Monday 15 December 2008

Tuesday Focus - Burnley

A new feature for the Footballs here where I focus on some of the lesser known teams out there. Footballs isn't just about Ferraris and Risottos, there are many footballmen who play in the lower leagues. So here's to the unsung and largely unpaid heroes of the Coca Cola Championship. This week under the spotlight is Burnley FC.

Say "Burnley" to anybody and the first thing they'll think of is lousy churches and fat nans. Well, many of you will be interested to know there's also a local footie team. Burnley FC (The Firemen), are a hilarious bunch of chancers who meet once a week for a kick about, under the watchful eye of their hapless master Owen "the spring" Coyle.

Their "all-star" cast of semi professional players still draw quite a crowd to this very day, egged on by their bawdy mascot Bertie The Bee. One of their more colourful characters is the goal saver Diego Penny. After moving to Lancashire to join the 'Fire Brigade' he juggled his time between training and his job at the fish mongers at the Apollo shopping centre. He says the shop's takings double if he saves a penalty however if he misses an easy save, he's too afraid to even open the shop after an angry fan recently went on a 14 hour rampage hurling fish and ice at the pathetic spaniard. His baffling on-pitch catch-phrase "I thaaaawd I thaaaaw a thaaaawdfish" has become the cry of the town and fans have taken to wearing the slogan on pretty much anything.

The club faced tragedy not long ago when the ground sadly burnt to the ground. There was a great deal of confusion based around the fact that the team are nick-named "The Firemen", and many players died after they incorrectly rushed into the fire thinking the fans were calling them rather than the real fire brigade.

Some people might mock a little team like Burnley but I say thank the lord for them. The game they play actually resembles the game I grew up playing in parks rather than the heaving, sweating bastard of a sport they pipe down our brains every weekend for £3,50 a pop. What do you think?

Thursday 11 December 2008

Ince

Paul Ince or "The Spider" as he's known to his few remaining fans has sunk to a new low. The once famous footballman's career ended years ago on a high however as his fortunes disappeared he's been forced like many others to forge any career he can out of Christmas pantos and repeated appearances on the "mystery guest" round of "A Question Of Sport". Ince famously appeared as the mystery guest for 11 weeks in a row in the early nineties. It got to the point where the points went to the team who could shout Ince the loudest as soon as the round was announced.

Banned from a Question Of Sport, Ince was forced to take the lesser paid gig "Feel the Celebrity" on "They think it's all over". That came to a sudden end following the famous 'damp patch' incident during the christmas special.

So the TV work has dried up and all that's left for the greasy midfielder is Panto. You'd think that'd mean he'd take the job seriously, I think the people of Bracknell might tell you otherwise.

His role as The Prince in Snow White has been axed today following a string of disgusting on-stage incidents. It's believed he struck up an unlikely friendship with one of the dwarf actors playing sleepy. The pair were inseparable and referred to themselves as "The cock and balls". They drank heavily during rehearsals and egged each other on to do more and more unsettling things during the live shows. The police eventually had to be called during last nights show following a 15 minute drunken monologue from Ince during the second half where he described the penises of several premiership footballmen in grizzly detail to a terrified audience of school children and pensioners.

It's sad news for the public face of Footballs. Only his old friend Colin Montgomerie was available for comment, unfortunately nobody could understand a single word he said.