Menace

Does anybody else find themselves totally hypnotised by how greasy Gavin Ronaldo's face is?

Tuesday Focus - Burnley

A new feature for the Footballs here where I focus on some of the lesser known teams out there. Footballs isn't just about Ferraris and Risottos, there are many footballmen who play in the lower leagues. So here's to the unsung and largely unpaid heroes of the Coca Cola Championship. This week under the spotlight is Burnley FC.

Say "Burnley" to anybody and the first thing they'll think of is lousy churches and fat nans. Well, many of you will be interested to know there's also a local footie team. Burnley FC (The Firemen), are a hilarious bunch of chancers who meet once a week for a kick about, under the watchful eye of their hapless master Owen "the spring" Coyle.

Their "all-star" cast of semi professional players still draw quite a crowd to this very day, egged on by their bawdy mascot Bertie The Bee. One of their more colourful characters is the goal saver Diego Penny. After moving to Lancashire to join the 'Fire Brigade' he juggled his time between training and his job at the fish mongers at the Apollo shopping centre. He says the shop's takings double if he saves a penalty however if he misses an easy save, he's too afraid to even open the shop after an angry fan recently went on a 14 hour rampage hurling fish and ice at the pathetic spaniard. His baffling on-pitch catch-phrase "I thaaaawd I thaaaaw a thaaaawdfish" has become the cry of the town and fans have taken to wearing the slogan on pretty much anything.

The club faced tragedy not long ago when the ground sadly burnt to the ground. There was a great deal of confusion based around the fact that the team are nick-named "The Firemen", and many players died after they incorrectly rushed into the fire thinking the fans were calling them rather than the real fire brigade.

Some people might mock a little team like Burnley but I say thank the lord for them. The game they play actually resembles the game I grew up playing in parks rather than the heaving, sweating bastard of a sport they pipe down our brains every weekend for £3,50 a pop. What do you think?

Ince

Paul Ince or "The Spider" as he's known to his few remaining fans has sunk to a new low. The once famous footballman's career ended years ago on a high however as his fortunes disappeared he's been forced like many others to forge any career he can out of Christmas pantos and repeated appearances on the "mystery guest" round of "A Question Of Sport". Ince famously appeared as the mystery guest for 11 weeks in a row in the early nineties. It got to the point where the points went to the team who could shout Ince the loudest as soon as the round was announced.

Banned from a Question Of Sport, Ince was forced to take the lesser paid gig "Feel the Celebrity" on "They think it's all over". That came to a sudden end following the famous 'damp patch' incident during the christmas special.

So the TV work has dried up and all that's left for the greasy midfielder is Panto. You'd think that'd mean he'd take the job seriously, I think the people of Bracknell might tell you otherwise.

His role as The Prince in Snow White has been axed today following a string of disgusting on-stage incidents. It's believed he struck up an unlikely friendship with one of the dwarf actors playing sleepy. The pair were inseparable and referred to themselves as "The cock and balls". They drank heavily during rehearsals and egged each other on to do more and more unsettling things during the live shows. The police eventually had to be called during last nights show following a 15 minute drunken monologue from Ince during the second half where he described the penises of several premiership footballmen in grizzly detail to a terrified audience of school children and pensioners.

It's sad news for the public face of Footballs. Only his old friend Colin Montgomerie was available for comment, unfortunately nobody could understand a single word he said.

Pro-Evolution Pink Edition

Nintendo have taken their all-inclusive attitude to gaming to ditzy new heights with the unveiling of this Christmases must have game for women. Pro-Evolution Soccer - Pink Edition, is a computer game following the cut-throat world of being a footballer's WAG (Wife / Gay Partner)

The game features famous people such as Cheryl Cole, Louise from Eternal and John Barnes sleazy lover Malcolm Eaves.

The early levels consist of navigating your character through a series of tacky Essex night Clubs, working your way up from minor fumblings with D-List celebrities like Dean Gaffney, towards full penetrative sex with a goal-keeper from the lower leagues. There are a variety of weapons at the players disposal such as boob-jobs, botox and steamy press shots.

Once your character has snared her man the Nintendo Wi's motion sensitive controller really comes into it's own where you're forced into increasingly humiliating acts in the bedroom in order to keep the relationship progressing towards the holy grail, the wedding.

The developers of the game have introduced a clever twist using the internet. Your character is able to spectate real matches being played on the regular version of Pro-Evolution soccer, from the wife's enclosure in the ground. The game footage is completely scrambled to represent the confusion that takes place inside the minds of the real footballer's wives while watching a game.

The real WAGs have been quick to comment on the news. Eileen Fashanu has been quoted as saying. "What's them to computer. Is able to talk? Thanks."

So, will it be a hit or a miss? I for one plan on spending Christmas morning shaking my controller up and down staring deep into the eyes of a naked Gary Mabbut.

Fabio

Britain's new mascot Fabio Capello seems to be bringing a spell of good fortune to a bemused national side. I can't say I blame the public for taking to him. The apple-pressing madman does have a certain charm.

I particularly like the new tradition of interviewing him after the game with the other players. He normally does one of his funny little riddles.

Mascots are a long forgotten part of the game and I'm glad to see their return. Enough time has now passed since the atrocities committed in the eighties by Newcastle's disgusting and frankly racist dance troop, the "White Newts".

Wikipedia reveals an interesting fact that Mascots used to be REAL animals. Watford's little known mascot was a real hornet for several years in the late 1950s. It was eventually deemed too small to show up on television and replaced by a giant cuddly black and white hornet. Live mascots returned briefly to Watford's grounds in the 70s following a miscommunication between the fans and the management that resulted in a swarm of wasps being released before a match. Several players and many of the fans were severely pecked and a ban on live Mascots was introduced.

So readers, who are your favourite mascots and do you have any suggestions for new ones?

Hams pain as Iceland falls

If you thought things were bad for The Hams (Tottenham) last week, imagine how The Hams (West Ham) are feeling this week. The destruction of Iceland has sent shock-waves through the whole of Europe but who would have thought those waves would even ripple the turf down at The Conservatory.

A desperate John Fuller reached an all time low in a recent press conference where he controversially suggested lifting the ban on the hooligans throwing coins at matches in what he claimed was a "taste of the good all days". Most people saw it as a money making scam.

Some of you may have noticed the lack of sponsorship on The Hams sports vests during the past couple of matches. This was another one of Fuller's attempts to raise funds by holding a silent auction for the advertising space on the shirts. The plan back-fired when Manchester United won the bid and will be putting their logo on the West Ham shirts. The players should count themselves lucky as Manchester United's original plan was to write humiliating and de-motivating messages on the Ham's shirts such as "Crap-kicks", "Missers" & "Baby-steps".

So what will happen? Well I guess we'll witness the same thing we see time and time again. The club will go into receivership, it will be bought by a member of the world's financial elite, ticket prices will go up and we'll all end up dancing like marionettes in John Fuller's puppet theatre of humiliation.

What next for The Hams?

Unless you've been living in a shoe, you'll be aware that the Hams have got off to the worst start in the history of Footballs. All you have to do is walk through the streets of Tottenham and you can feel the misery in the air.

A filthy Juande Ramos has publicly taken the full force of the angry fans after his monumental loss against Hull, who embarrassingly aren't even in the Premiership. The two teams faced each other because of a simple clerical error in the scheduling office. The match took place this weekend much to the bemusement of the away fans who believed they were attending an Arsenal match.

The Hams, who famously scored lots of goals in other seasons, put their misfortune down to unsettled weather, bickering amongst the players and the recent dismissal of their legendary tour-bus driver Keith "The Sheath" Edmonds. Morale in the camp has been low ever since he lost his job for his repeated safe-sexual assaults.

So what can they do? In the words of Jimmy Grieves "All you can do is turn up on time, keep your boots clean and try not to cry". Sage words from a man now sadly crippled with wheat intolerance.