Origins Of Football

If you, like me, like to talk about football, which I do, then it may interest you to find out a bit more about how the game began. (It's certainly of interest to me.)

The name is two words put together. "Foot" and "Ball". This is because when the game was first invented a ball would be kicked with a foot to score points. The game has remained largely unchanged, unlike other sports named in a similar way. Rugby (a joining of the words "Rug" and "Bee") was once a very different sport, devised by the Earl of Digby after spilling a jam sandwich on a picnic rug, thus attracting a wasp.

The original balls were made of porcelain and were extremely fragile. They were hand painted and very ornate. The players had to be incredibly careful when moving the ball as they were incredibly expensive to replace. These porcelain balls were used for the first hundred and thirty years of the sport and not a single goal was scored during that period.

The move to leather bought with it goals and of course headsies, now a staple part of any game. With all these goals flying about along came the dreaded referees!!!!!!! Dressed in black they had the legal power to giveth and taketh away goals and in some extreme cases, human lives. Until 1900 the referee was also able to carry out a wedding as long as it was on the pitch and during the 90 minutes. It was this rule that led to the famous "Match Made In Heaven" in 1886 where a linesman and a goalie met, fell in love and wed before the end of the first half.

Other than that, the rules have remained the same. God bless Football, may it always rule our lives.

New Season. New Dreams

So The Footballs is back after the mid season winter interval. Let the goaling commence.

It's always a quiet three months after Christmas as the players enjoy a well earned rest. Traditionally all sorts of swapping and transferring takes place. Here's a quick round up of some of the biggest news stories from the past three months.

Derby County and Doncaster Mainline swapped football grounds in a deal estimated to be in the region of several hundred pounds. the fans went haywire and lobbied to have the grounds swapped back. It emerged later that when "The Counts" found out they would be having to swap back they all left "reversies" in the toilets. A technique involving sitting the wrong way on the toilet and leaving a deposit on the porcelain. Geoff Cornets even performed a Tankie, which involves 'depositing' in the toilet system.

In a bid to engage a slightly geekier audience, Newcastle United were involved in one of the most unexpected signings of the Christmas break: David Duchovney. He played football in college to a fairly high standard although it soon became apparent at his first training session that this had been American Footaball when he picked up the ball, punched Alan Shearer and screamed random numbers at everybody on the pitch. His debut match is on Saturday and it's rumored he'll  be lowered onto the pitch from a flying saucer. His catch-phrase, "I want to believe.. in goals" is already being banded about the Newt's dressing room.

The winter break also saw the first straight civil partnership between two footballmen. Amidst accusations of homophobia in the sport the gorgeous Lampard married the enormous Ledley King on the pitch in front of booing fans. The couple (who are both straight) claim it's a massive step forward for the sport and plan to adopt in the summer.

Respects should be paid to the great Dennis Lambert who died age 89 on New Years day. The horribly racist footballer is commonly credited with having invented the coin toss at the start of the match. Before him the two captains would wrestle for the honor in bouts that would sometimes last several days.

So that's it readers. Any predictions for the new season?

Menace

Does anybody else find themselves totally hypnotised by how greasy Gavin Ronaldo's face is?

Tuesday Focus - Burnley

A new feature for the Footballs here where I focus on some of the lesser known teams out there. Footballs isn't just about Ferraris and Risottos, there are many footballmen who play in the lower leagues. So here's to the unsung and largely unpaid heroes of the Coca Cola Championship. This week under the spotlight is Burnley FC.

Say "Burnley" to anybody and the first thing they'll think of is lousy churches and fat nans. Well, many of you will be interested to know there's also a local footie team. Burnley FC (The Firemen), are a hilarious bunch of chancers who meet once a week for a kick about, under the watchful eye of their hapless master Owen "the spring" Coyle.

Their "all-star" cast of semi professional players still draw quite a crowd to this very day, egged on by their bawdy mascot Bertie The Bee. One of their more colourful characters is the goal saver Diego Penny. After moving to Lancashire to join the 'Fire Brigade' he juggled his time between training and his job at the fish mongers at the Apollo shopping centre. He says the shop's takings double if he saves a penalty however if he misses an easy save, he's too afraid to even open the shop after an angry fan recently went on a 14 hour rampage hurling fish and ice at the pathetic spaniard. His baffling on-pitch catch-phrase "I thaaaawd I thaaaaw a thaaaawdfish" has become the cry of the town and fans have taken to wearing the slogan on pretty much anything.

The club faced tragedy not long ago when the ground sadly burnt to the ground. There was a great deal of confusion based around the fact that the team are nick-named "The Firemen", and many players died after they incorrectly rushed into the fire thinking the fans were calling them rather than the real fire brigade.

Some people might mock a little team like Burnley but I say thank the lord for them. The game they play actually resembles the game I grew up playing in parks rather than the heaving, sweating bastard of a sport they pipe down our brains every weekend for £3,50 a pop. What do you think?

Ince

Paul Ince or "The Spider" as he's known to his few remaining fans has sunk to a new low. The once famous footballman's career ended years ago on a high however as his fortunes disappeared he's been forced like many others to forge any career he can out of Christmas pantos and repeated appearances on the "mystery guest" round of "A Question Of Sport". Ince famously appeared as the mystery guest for 11 weeks in a row in the early nineties. It got to the point where the points went to the team who could shout Ince the loudest as soon as the round was announced.

Banned from a Question Of Sport, Ince was forced to take the lesser paid gig "Feel the Celebrity" on "They think it's all over". That came to a sudden end following the famous 'damp patch' incident during the christmas special.

So the TV work has dried up and all that's left for the greasy midfielder is Panto. You'd think that'd mean he'd take the job seriously, I think the people of Bracknell might tell you otherwise.

His role as The Prince in Snow White has been axed today following a string of disgusting on-stage incidents. It's believed he struck up an unlikely friendship with one of the dwarf actors playing sleepy. The pair were inseparable and referred to themselves as "The cock and balls". They drank heavily during rehearsals and egged each other on to do more and more unsettling things during the live shows. The police eventually had to be called during last nights show following a 15 minute drunken monologue from Ince during the second half where he described the penises of several premiership footballmen in grizzly detail to a terrified audience of school children and pensioners.

It's sad news for the public face of Footballs. Only his old friend Colin Montgomerie was available for comment, unfortunately nobody could understand a single word he said.

Pro-Evolution Pink Edition

Nintendo have taken their all-inclusive attitude to gaming to ditzy new heights with the unveiling of this Christmases must have game for women. Pro-Evolution Soccer - Pink Edition, is a computer game following the cut-throat world of being a footballer's WAG (Wife / Gay Partner)

The game features famous people such as Cheryl Cole, Louise from Eternal and John Barnes sleazy lover Malcolm Eaves.

The early levels consist of navigating your character through a series of tacky Essex night Clubs, working your way up from minor fumblings with D-List celebrities like Dean Gaffney, towards full penetrative sex with a goal-keeper from the lower leagues. There are a variety of weapons at the players disposal such as boob-jobs, botox and steamy press shots.

Once your character has snared her man the Nintendo Wi's motion sensitive controller really comes into it's own where you're forced into increasingly humiliating acts in the bedroom in order to keep the relationship progressing towards the holy grail, the wedding.

The developers of the game have introduced a clever twist using the internet. Your character is able to spectate real matches being played on the regular version of Pro-Evolution soccer, from the wife's enclosure in the ground. The game footage is completely scrambled to represent the confusion that takes place inside the minds of the real footballer's wives while watching a game.

The real WAGs have been quick to comment on the news. Eileen Fashanu has been quoted as saying. "What's them to computer. Is able to talk? Thanks."

So, will it be a hit or a miss? I for one plan on spending Christmas morning shaking my controller up and down staring deep into the eyes of a naked Gary Mabbut.

Fabio

Britain's new mascot Fabio Capello seems to be bringing a spell of good fortune to a bemused national side. I can't say I blame the public for taking to him. The apple-pressing madman does have a certain charm.

I particularly like the new tradition of interviewing him after the game with the other players. He normally does one of his funny little riddles.

Mascots are a long forgotten part of the game and I'm glad to see their return. Enough time has now passed since the atrocities committed in the eighties by Newcastle's disgusting and frankly racist dance troop, the "White Newts".

Wikipedia reveals an interesting fact that Mascots used to be REAL animals. Watford's little known mascot was a real hornet for several years in the late 1950s. It was eventually deemed too small to show up on television and replaced by a giant cuddly black and white hornet. Live mascots returned briefly to Watford's grounds in the 70s following a miscommunication between the fans and the management that resulted in a swarm of wasps being released before a match. Several players and many of the fans were severely pecked and a ban on live Mascots was introduced.

So readers, who are your favourite mascots and do you have any suggestions for new ones?