Popularity to be officially linked to football

Bobby Charlton, the UK minister of football shocked the nation today with his announcement that Football will now be enforced on every single school-boy. He also plans to make popularity and achievement at school DIRECTLY linked to their football ability.

It's long been known that the popularity of a male school attendee is very closely linked with how handy they are with their non-hands (their feet.) A place on the school footy squad automatically means you will have far more friends and in later years, far more success behind the bike-sheds. (With girls.)

Sports scientists (who everybody knows are the best scientist) revealed today that people with natural ability at the sport carry more of the genes responsible for knowing what to do in a social situation. Have you ever noticed how a keen footballer is able to slip a sleazy aside or a startling shout into almost any occasion. Finally this will be rewarded.

From now on a simple examination at the start of each term will rank each member of the year in order of prowess. The bottom five will simply be expelled. The bottom 15 will have the option of leaving the school or putting themselves forward for public ridicule. While it's miserable at the bottom, its glorious at the top. The top 20 will receive automatic A Grades in any subject where the teacher takes an interest in the sport. The less successful kids will be forced to pretend to like the talented kids and put up with consistent taunting.

A boozy Bobby Charlton, who was once an excellent footballer, shouted that his idea will revolutionise schooling. He said: "It's like illegal downloading. We all know it's going on, lets get it out in the open and make some fu**ing money out of it." His scheme, which is already being heralded as the Spotify of football will no doubt have it's detractors at first but I foresee a glorious day when it just becomes normal. There's a good chance Britains first Doctor of Football has already been born and is crawling amongst us at this very moment.

Roy Keane moves to Ipswich.

The 37 year old singer-songwriter Roy Keane has been appointed as the new boss of Ipswich. Roy (short for Roymond) has already made one of his classic blunders, mispronouncing the word Ipswich at his very first press conference. He screamed: “Citizens of Biscuit. Hear my words. I am Roy Keane. And I bring you FIRE!” To everybody’s surprise a low-budget pyrotechnics display began climaxing with Roymond setting light to an F.A. rulebook and hurling it at the journalists.

 It’s certainly a bold statement and I for one think this is exactly what “the Nippers” need to launch them into the Premiership.

Origins Of Football

If you, like me, like to talk about football, which I do, then it may interest you to find out a bit more about how the game began. (It's certainly of interest to me.)

The name is two words put together. "Foot" and "Ball". This is because when the game was first invented a ball would be kicked with a foot to score points. The game has remained largely unchanged, unlike other sports named in a similar way. Rugby (a joining of the words "Rug" and "Bee") was once a very different sport, devised by the Earl of Digby after spilling a jam sandwich on a picnic rug, thus attracting a wasp.

The original balls were made of porcelain and were extremely fragile. They were hand painted and very ornate. The players had to be incredibly careful when moving the ball as they were incredibly expensive to replace. These porcelain balls were used for the first hundred and thirty years of the sport and not a single goal was scored during that period.

The move to leather bought with it goals and of course headsies, now a staple part of any game. With all these goals flying about along came the dreaded referees!!!!!!! Dressed in black they had the legal power to giveth and taketh away goals and in some extreme cases, human lives. Until 1900 the referee was also able to carry out a wedding as long as it was on the pitch and during the 90 minutes. It was this rule that led to the famous "Match Made In Heaven" in 1886 where a linesman and a goalie met, fell in love and wed before the end of the first half.

Other than that, the rules have remained the same. God bless Football, may it always rule our lives.

New Season. New Dreams

So The Footballs is back after the mid season winter interval. Let the goaling commence.

It's always a quiet three months after Christmas as the players enjoy a well earned rest. Traditionally all sorts of swapping and transferring takes place. Here's a quick round up of some of the biggest news stories from the past three months.

Derby County and Doncaster Mainline swapped football grounds in a deal estimated to be in the region of several hundred pounds. the fans went haywire and lobbied to have the grounds swapped back. It emerged later that when "The Counts" found out they would be having to swap back they all left "reversies" in the toilets. A technique involving sitting the wrong way on the toilet and leaving a deposit on the porcelain. Geoff Cornets even performed a Tankie, which involves 'depositing' in the toilet system.

In a bid to engage a slightly geekier audience, Newcastle United were involved in one of the most unexpected signings of the Christmas break: David Duchovney. He played football in college to a fairly high standard although it soon became apparent at his first training session that this had been American Footaball when he picked up the ball, punched Alan Shearer and screamed random numbers at everybody on the pitch. His debut match is on Saturday and it's rumored he'll  be lowered onto the pitch from a flying saucer. His catch-phrase, "I want to believe.. in goals" is already being banded about the Newt's dressing room.

The winter break also saw the first straight civil partnership between two footballmen. Amidst accusations of homophobia in the sport the gorgeous Lampard married the enormous Ledley King on the pitch in front of booing fans. The couple (who are both straight) claim it's a massive step forward for the sport and plan to adopt in the summer.

Respects should be paid to the great Dennis Lambert who died age 89 on New Years day. The horribly racist footballer is commonly credited with having invented the coin toss at the start of the match. Before him the two captains would wrestle for the honor in bouts that would sometimes last several days.

So that's it readers. Any predictions for the new season?