The Coyle

Unless you've been living in a bread bin over the last year, you won't have been able to move without hearing the words on everybody's lips: Owen Coyle. The Burnley manager has certainly been raising a few eyebrows in the dressing rooms with his outspoken and frankly sexual approach to the sport.

It's famously known within the beautiful sport that the man doesn't have a hair on his body. His vigorous waxing regime has been the focus of huge debate, especially as he demands the players watch. If only cameras were allowed in the dressing room at half time. Eye witness accounts describe the scenes as "repetitively brutal". Coyle, who earned his grotesque nickname on account of his spiral shaped genitalia, apparently lies on the floor with his knees by his ears while the unlucky substitutes are goaded into pouring hot wax over his naked thighs. He howls demotivating abuse at the team and rips the hairs out while his appalling wife plays fast percussive music.

He's blind in both eyes and has been quoted as describing football as "exactly like basting turkeys". When asked what he meant the ruddy-faced monster launched into a twenty minute tirade of racist abuse leveled at the Turkish.

His twenty-four hour benders are famous within the city centre. He collects all his body hair that's been removed into bin bags and takes it out on the town with him so he can "fluff up the doubters", a game he likes to play where he pins down anybody who questions him and effectively tars and feathers them with his own body hair while his appalling wife plays fast percussive music.

The players seem strangely loyal to the cider-swigging madman. they famously put each of the letters of his name (Owen Coyle) into a hat, drew them out and each had one letter tattooed onto their naked backs. It's rumoured that when they first showed Owen what they'd done they lined up in front of him naked spelling out his name. A sodden Coyle stood before them and demanded they re-arranged themselves into the words "Cool Weeny", before pulling down his trousers, pulling out his spiral-shaped weeny and urinating over them while his appalling wife played fast percussive music.

It's a long time since we had a true character like this in footballs and I for one think it's exactly what we need to start getting seats in bums in the major stadiums. Long gone are the days of managers like 'Mad Roddy Dunthwaite', 'Graham Sods' and ' Old Derby Dad-pipes' himself. Bring them back I say for their presence can only mean one thing. GOALS!!!!!

NEW SEASON!

Open your saxophone cases. Dust off your trouser-presses. Wipe down your cheese-knives. It's a new season and The Footballs have started again. BANG! IN YOUR FACE to all those who said the game was dead and wouldn't be returning in 2009.

The first match was so good. All the men were back on the pitch after their summers off. There were loads of headers. In fact it was like they'd never been away. The referee was out. There were all those white lines on the pitch. Man, it was exactly as good as I remembered from last year.

A lot of readers of the blog have been asking why the season ever has to stop at all? Well, I hear 'ya people. God I wish it didn't, but I like to look at it like this:

Imagine if a cobbler wasn't permitted a holiday. He'd be heeling brogues back to front, he'd be buffing up suede with shoe-polish and he'd be re-lacing slip-ons. It'd be chaos. Football is no different. These guys need a break, just like everybody else. Look at what happened towards the end of last season with Liverpool. The guys were over worked. Yeah, they shouldn't have set fire to that homeless guy in the changing rooms but they were knackered.

So the new season of course brings with it a few new rules. The one that's causing the most chatter at the beer pumps this year is the introduction of a third card. For years now the poor referee has been limited to just two cards. RED and YELLOW. In a bid to show that they are "doing their bit" towards climate change, the F.A. are now issuing referees with a GREEN card, which will be used to penalise players whose actions are deemed to be detrimental to the environment.

It was clear the fans are unsure about the new rule when the card had it's first outing during The Hot Spurs against Man Chests United on Saturday. Jermaine DeFoe was cautioned after his trainer rushed onto the pitch and sprayed his leg with a muscle-soothing coolant known to contain above average levels of CFC. The Spurs manager was also asked to leave the pitch after he was overheard bragging to a linesman that "he'd left a generator running at home AGAIN".

So here we go, here we go, here we go again for another year of British football at it's best. What do I think? Well, there's only one environmental issue on my mind. GOALS!