It's long been known that the popularity of a male school attendee is very closely linked with how handy they are with their non-hands (their feet.) A place on the school footy squad automatically means you will have far more friends and in later years, far more success behind the bike-sheds. (With girls.)
Sports scientists (who everybody knows are the best scientist) revealed today that people with natural ability at the sport carry more of the genes responsible for knowing what to do in a social situation. Have you ever noticed how a keen footballer is able to slip a sleazy aside or a startling shout into almost any occasion. Finally this will be rewarded.
From now on a simple examination at the start of each term will rank each member of the year in order of prowess. The bottom five will simply be expelled. The bottom 15 will have the option of leaving the school or putting themselves forward for public ridicule. While it's miserable at the bottom, its glorious at the top. The top 20 will receive automatic A Grades in any subject where the teacher takes an interest in the sport. The less successful kids will be forced to pretend to like the talented kids and put up with consistent taunting.
A boozy Bobby Charlton, who was once an excellent footballer, shouted that his idea will revolutionise schooling. He said: "It's like illegal downloading. We all know it's going on, lets get it out in the open and make some fu**ing money out of it." His scheme, which is already being heralded as the Spotify of football will no doubt have it's detractors at first but I foresee a glorious day when it just becomes normal. There's a good chance Britains first Doctor of Football has already been born and is crawling amongst us at this very moment.
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