Wednesday, 16 September 2009

The Coyle

Unless you've been living in a bread bin over the last year, you won't have been able to move without hearing the words on everybody's lips: Owen Coyle. The Burnley manager has certainly been raising a few eyebrows in the dressing rooms with his outspoken and frankly sexual approach to the sport.

It's famously known within the beautiful sport that the man doesn't have a hair on his body. His vigorous waxing regime has been the focus of huge debate, especially as he demands the players watch. If only cameras were allowed in the dressing room at half time. Eye witness accounts describe the scenes as "repetitively brutal". Coyle, who earned his grotesque nickname on account of his spiral shaped genitalia, apparently lies on the floor with his knees by his ears while the unlucky substitutes are goaded into pouring hot wax over his naked thighs. He howls demotivating abuse at the team and rips the hairs out while his appalling wife plays fast percussive music.

He's blind in both eyes and has been quoted as describing football as "exactly like basting turkeys". When asked what he meant the ruddy-faced monster launched into a twenty minute tirade of racist abuse leveled at the Turkish.

His twenty-four hour benders are famous within the city centre. He collects all his body hair that's been removed into bin bags and takes it out on the town with him so he can "fluff up the doubters", a game he likes to play where he pins down anybody who questions him and effectively tars and feathers them with his own body hair while his appalling wife plays fast percussive music.

The players seem strangely loyal to the cider-swigging madman. they famously put each of the letters of his name (Owen Coyle) into a hat, drew them out and each had one letter tattooed onto their naked backs. It's rumoured that when they first showed Owen what they'd done they lined up in front of him naked spelling out his name. A sodden Coyle stood before them and demanded they re-arranged themselves into the words "Cool Weeny", before pulling down his trousers, pulling out his spiral-shaped weeny and urinating over them while his appalling wife played fast percussive music.

It's a long time since we had a true character like this in footballs and I for one think it's exactly what we need to start getting seats in bums in the major stadiums. Long gone are the days of managers like 'Mad Roddy Dunthwaite', 'Graham Sods' and ' Old Derby Dad-pipes' himself. Bring them back I say for their presence can only mean one thing. GOALS!!!!!


Hawes said...

epic, long live the Coyle

SGField said...

At the risk of sounding pedantic, Owen's nickname, "The Coyle", actually stems from an absinthe-fuelled rampage during the summer of 1993. "The Coyle", sick of colleagues bringing their new-borns to the office for 'show and tell', took a leather holdall of contraceptive coils and began forcefully administering them to the unwitting public claiming, "if I can't sire these children then no-one can".

Enjoyably, before realising the perpetrator if this heinous activity was actually Owen, then a Bolton Wondrous player, the police nicknamed him 'Womb Raider'. The fact his swine-like genitalia resemble a coil is merely a coincidence and was actually only spotted during his Burnley initiation ceremony in 2007 where he was forced into his own show and tell session. Staff encouraged him to reveal 'little Owen' to the groundsmen and begin vigorously ransacking his dignity under pretence that his gland oil would be "good for the grass".

Anonymous said...

I need to know about GOALS! Please update. Laugh out loud.

Anonymous said...

Well it's hardly surprising that the footballs has once again provided a factually inaccurate account of one of the sports great first ladies.

Yvonne Coyle has long been a central figure in the Burnley avant garde music scene. As part of the Nuclear Half Life collective she all but vanished from the scene between 2006-2008 whilst fighting a cease and desist claim by the National Hockey League. Anyone vaguely familiar with the scene will know that it is Owen's twin brother who accompanies his brother's outbusts by loudy beating the tabor. Yvonne has made it clear in the past she does not want to ride on the coat tails of Owen's success and has always kept her music career completely separate. In addition, it is well known Yvonne plays a "prepared" Tuba and whilst she once played the "Newcastle Brown" bottles as part of a short lived sponsorship deal has never been know for her percussive abilities.

Please spend a little more time on your research. The blog would be so much more enjoyable if you got the finer details correct.