He looks like an ordinance survey map projected onto a beige leather sofa with the stuffing hanging out the top. Just four foot eight and almost completely deaf he’s one of Britian’s most colourful characters.
Born “Gordon Ramps”, the plucky Irishman came into this world looking exactly as he does now. Coated in a fine layer of soft down and covered in cheesy discharge.
He regularly tops Men’s Health Magazine’s “Top 10 people you wouldn’t want to share a syringe with”. It’s not surprising. His blasé attitude to hygiene has seen him hauled through the courts time and time again. He refers to his anus as “The Dishwasher” and insists that nothing is properly clean until it’s been in there for at least an hour. He was famously hospitalised on Christmas Day in the eighties for trying to get a fully boxed game of Monopoly into “The Dishwasher”, before sitting down to play the game with his new in-laws. A boozey Ramsay claimed the dice were dirty and the whole thing would need to be washed, before forcing his mild-mannered father in law to strip naked and insert the entire thing into his trembling back entrance using brandy butter as lubricant. Unfortunately two of the metal playing pieces fell out of the box (the little dog and the car) and rubbed together creating a spark under the immense pressure they were being put under. That spark was enough to ignite the brandy causing his entire arse to explode into a ball of flames.
He is now unable to sit down, play tennis or walk and so was left with few options other than becoming a television personality. With “The Dishwasher” broken he re-branded his penis as “The Shoehorn” and was a popular feature on the entertainment show “Don’t Forget your Toothbrush” where he famously used it to help Alan Yentob get a particularly stiff pair of brogues on while the audience laughed and jeered.
2 comments:
Believe it or not I worked for Monopoly at the time this story broke. Sales had taken a serious dip the previous year and management made a severely misguided attempt to cash in on the story running an ad which simply read "When you've finished emptying the dishwasher this Christmas, why not sit down for a nice game of Monopoly" (it had a 50's style picture of a family sat round a table playing). It was pulled last minute (they had even gone as far as to buy space next to the story on the front page of the Sun) but I often think about the incident when I pass Park Lane on my way to work each morning and have a good chuckle.
Priceless...
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