Fabio

Britain's new mascot Fabio Capello seems to be bringing a spell of good fortune to a bemused national side. I can't say I blame the public for taking to him. The apple-pressing madman does have a certain charm.

I particularly like the new tradition of interviewing him after the game with the other players. He normally does one of his funny little riddles.

Mascots are a long forgotten part of the game and I'm glad to see their return. Enough time has now passed since the atrocities committed in the eighties by Newcastle's disgusting and frankly racist dance troop, the "White Newts".

Wikipedia reveals an interesting fact that Mascots used to be REAL animals. Watford's little known mascot was a real hornet for several years in the late 1950s. It was eventually deemed too small to show up on television and replaced by a giant cuddly black and white hornet. Live mascots returned briefly to Watford's grounds in the 70s following a miscommunication between the fans and the management that resulted in a swarm of wasps being released before a match. Several players and many of the fans were severely pecked and a ban on live Mascots was introduced.

So readers, who are your favourite mascots and do you have any suggestions for new ones?

Hams pain as Iceland falls

If you thought things were bad for The Hams (Tottenham) last week, imagine how The Hams (West Ham) are feeling this week. The destruction of Iceland has sent shock-waves through the whole of Europe but who would have thought those waves would even ripple the turf down at The Conservatory.

A desperate John Fuller reached an all time low in a recent press conference where he controversially suggested lifting the ban on the hooligans throwing coins at matches in what he claimed was a "taste of the good all days". Most people saw it as a money making scam.

Some of you may have noticed the lack of sponsorship on The Hams sports vests during the past couple of matches. This was another one of Fuller's attempts to raise funds by holding a silent auction for the advertising space on the shirts. The plan back-fired when Manchester United won the bid and will be putting their logo on the West Ham shirts. The players should count themselves lucky as Manchester United's original plan was to write humiliating and de-motivating messages on the Ham's shirts such as "Crap-kicks", "Missers" & "Baby-steps".

So what will happen? Well I guess we'll witness the same thing we see time and time again. The club will go into receivership, it will be bought by a member of the world's financial elite, ticket prices will go up and we'll all end up dancing like marionettes in John Fuller's puppet theatre of humiliation.

What next for The Hams?

Unless you've been living in a shoe, you'll be aware that the Hams have got off to the worst start in the history of Footballs. All you have to do is walk through the streets of Tottenham and you can feel the misery in the air.

A filthy Juande Ramos has publicly taken the full force of the angry fans after his monumental loss against Hull, who embarrassingly aren't even in the Premiership. The two teams faced each other because of a simple clerical error in the scheduling office. The match took place this weekend much to the bemusement of the away fans who believed they were attending an Arsenal match.

The Hams, who famously scored lots of goals in other seasons, put their misfortune down to unsettled weather, bickering amongst the players and the recent dismissal of their legendary tour-bus driver Keith "The Sheath" Edmonds. Morale in the camp has been low ever since he lost his job for his repeated safe-sexual assaults.

So what can they do? In the words of Jimmy Grieves "All you can do is turn up on time, keep your boots clean and try not to cry". Sage words from a man now sadly crippled with wheat intolerance.

X-Factor does Football

SYCO productions, headed up by professional meanie Simon Cowell unveiled plans for a new X-Factor style show to find Britain's next footballing stars.

In an FA deal rumored to be worth several hundred thousand pounds, the gorgeous Cowell has purchased Exeter United and changed it's name to X-Factor United. the team will be granted instant promotion to the premiership and will be made up entirely from contestants on the show.

The format for the program will be very similar to X-Factor. Budding Footballmen will audition in front of a panel of esteemed judges including John Barnes, Ben Elton  and the late Steve Cram. the audition will include a few minutes of keepy-uppy followed by a  song.

The lucky contestants will be narrowed down and sent of to Football Boot Camp where they will eventually be split into three categories.: Men, Women and the Over 40s. There will be a series of live football matches running all the way up to Christmas where it's believed the winning team will go up against the winners of X-Factor for Christmas number one.

So Footballs fans, is this the future of football or merely a money-making scam by a greedsman. I for one will sit back and let the football decide.