Ince

Paul Ince or "The Spider" as he's known to his few remaining fans has sunk to a new low. The once famous footballman's career ended years ago on a high however as his fortunes disappeared he's been forced like many others to forge any career he can out of Christmas pantos and repeated appearances on the "mystery guest" round of "A Question Of Sport". Ince famously appeared as the mystery guest for 11 weeks in a row in the early nineties. It got to the point where the points went to the team who could shout Ince the loudest as soon as the round was announced.

Banned from a Question Of Sport, Ince was forced to take the lesser paid gig "Feel the Celebrity" on "They think it's all over". That came to a sudden end following the famous 'damp patch' incident during the christmas special.

So the TV work has dried up and all that's left for the greasy midfielder is Panto. You'd think that'd mean he'd take the job seriously, I think the people of Bracknell might tell you otherwise.

His role as The Prince in Snow White has been axed today following a string of disgusting on-stage incidents. It's believed he struck up an unlikely friendship with one of the dwarf actors playing sleepy. The pair were inseparable and referred to themselves as "The cock and balls". They drank heavily during rehearsals and egged each other on to do more and more unsettling things during the live shows. The police eventually had to be called during last nights show following a 15 minute drunken monologue from Ince during the second half where he described the penises of several premiership footballmen in grizzly detail to a terrified audience of school children and pensioners.

It's sad news for the public face of Footballs. Only his old friend Colin Montgomerie was available for comment, unfortunately nobody could understand a single word he said.