Tuesday Focus - Burnley

A new feature for the Footballs here where I focus on some of the lesser known teams out there. Footballs isn't just about Ferraris and Risottos, there are many footballmen who play in the lower leagues. So here's to the unsung and largely unpaid heroes of the Coca Cola Championship. This week under the spotlight is Burnley FC.

Say "Burnley" to anybody and the first thing they'll think of is lousy churches and fat nans. Well, many of you will be interested to know there's also a local footie team. Burnley FC (The Firemen), are a hilarious bunch of chancers who meet once a week for a kick about, under the watchful eye of their hapless master Owen "the spring" Coyle.

Their "all-star" cast of semi professional players still draw quite a crowd to this very day, egged on by their bawdy mascot Bertie The Bee. One of their more colourful characters is the goal saver Diego Penny. After moving to Lancashire to join the 'Fire Brigade' he juggled his time between training and his job at the fish mongers at the Apollo shopping centre. He says the shop's takings double if he saves a penalty however if he misses an easy save, he's too afraid to even open the shop after an angry fan recently went on a 14 hour rampage hurling fish and ice at the pathetic spaniard. His baffling on-pitch catch-phrase "I thaaaawd I thaaaaw a thaaaawdfish" has become the cry of the town and fans have taken to wearing the slogan on pretty much anything.

The club faced tragedy not long ago when the ground sadly burnt to the ground. There was a great deal of confusion based around the fact that the team are nick-named "The Firemen", and many players died after they incorrectly rushed into the fire thinking the fans were calling them rather than the real fire brigade.

Some people might mock a little team like Burnley but I say thank the lord for them. The game they play actually resembles the game I grew up playing in parks rather than the heaving, sweating bastard of a sport they pipe down our brains every weekend for £3,50 a pop. What do you think?

Ince

Paul Ince or "The Spider" as he's known to his few remaining fans has sunk to a new low. The once famous footballman's career ended years ago on a high however as his fortunes disappeared he's been forced like many others to forge any career he can out of Christmas pantos and repeated appearances on the "mystery guest" round of "A Question Of Sport". Ince famously appeared as the mystery guest for 11 weeks in a row in the early nineties. It got to the point where the points went to the team who could shout Ince the loudest as soon as the round was announced.

Banned from a Question Of Sport, Ince was forced to take the lesser paid gig "Feel the Celebrity" on "They think it's all over". That came to a sudden end following the famous 'damp patch' incident during the christmas special.

So the TV work has dried up and all that's left for the greasy midfielder is Panto. You'd think that'd mean he'd take the job seriously, I think the people of Bracknell might tell you otherwise.

His role as The Prince in Snow White has been axed today following a string of disgusting on-stage incidents. It's believed he struck up an unlikely friendship with one of the dwarf actors playing sleepy. The pair were inseparable and referred to themselves as "The cock and balls". They drank heavily during rehearsals and egged each other on to do more and more unsettling things during the live shows. The police eventually had to be called during last nights show following a 15 minute drunken monologue from Ince during the second half where he described the penises of several premiership footballmen in grizzly detail to a terrified audience of school children and pensioners.

It's sad news for the public face of Footballs. Only his old friend Colin Montgomerie was available for comment, unfortunately nobody could understand a single word he said.

Pro-Evolution Pink Edition

Nintendo have taken their all-inclusive attitude to gaming to ditzy new heights with the unveiling of this Christmases must have game for women. Pro-Evolution Soccer - Pink Edition, is a computer game following the cut-throat world of being a footballer's WAG (Wife / Gay Partner)

The game features famous people such as Cheryl Cole, Louise from Eternal and John Barnes sleazy lover Malcolm Eaves.

The early levels consist of navigating your character through a series of tacky Essex night Clubs, working your way up from minor fumblings with D-List celebrities like Dean Gaffney, towards full penetrative sex with a goal-keeper from the lower leagues. There are a variety of weapons at the players disposal such as boob-jobs, botox and steamy press shots.

Once your character has snared her man the Nintendo Wi's motion sensitive controller really comes into it's own where you're forced into increasingly humiliating acts in the bedroom in order to keep the relationship progressing towards the holy grail, the wedding.

The developers of the game have introduced a clever twist using the internet. Your character is able to spectate real matches being played on the regular version of Pro-Evolution soccer, from the wife's enclosure in the ground. The game footage is completely scrambled to represent the confusion that takes place inside the minds of the real footballer's wives while watching a game.

The real WAGs have been quick to comment on the news. Eileen Fashanu has been quoted as saying. "What's them to computer. Is able to talk? Thanks."

So, will it be a hit or a miss? I for one plan on spending Christmas morning shaking my controller up and down staring deep into the eyes of a naked Gary Mabbut.

Fabio

Britain's new mascot Fabio Capello seems to be bringing a spell of good fortune to a bemused national side. I can't say I blame the public for taking to him. The apple-pressing madman does have a certain charm.

I particularly like the new tradition of interviewing him after the game with the other players. He normally does one of his funny little riddles.

Mascots are a long forgotten part of the game and I'm glad to see their return. Enough time has now passed since the atrocities committed in the eighties by Newcastle's disgusting and frankly racist dance troop, the "White Newts".

Wikipedia reveals an interesting fact that Mascots used to be REAL animals. Watford's little known mascot was a real hornet for several years in the late 1950s. It was eventually deemed too small to show up on television and replaced by a giant cuddly black and white hornet. Live mascots returned briefly to Watford's grounds in the 70s following a miscommunication between the fans and the management that resulted in a swarm of wasps being released before a match. Several players and many of the fans were severely pecked and a ban on live Mascots was introduced.

So readers, who are your favourite mascots and do you have any suggestions for new ones?

Hams pain as Iceland falls

If you thought things were bad for The Hams (Tottenham) last week, imagine how The Hams (West Ham) are feeling this week. The destruction of Iceland has sent shock-waves through the whole of Europe but who would have thought those waves would even ripple the turf down at The Conservatory.

A desperate John Fuller reached an all time low in a recent press conference where he controversially suggested lifting the ban on the hooligans throwing coins at matches in what he claimed was a "taste of the good all days". Most people saw it as a money making scam.

Some of you may have noticed the lack of sponsorship on The Hams sports vests during the past couple of matches. This was another one of Fuller's attempts to raise funds by holding a silent auction for the advertising space on the shirts. The plan back-fired when Manchester United won the bid and will be putting their logo on the West Ham shirts. The players should count themselves lucky as Manchester United's original plan was to write humiliating and de-motivating messages on the Ham's shirts such as "Crap-kicks", "Missers" & "Baby-steps".

So what will happen? Well I guess we'll witness the same thing we see time and time again. The club will go into receivership, it will be bought by a member of the world's financial elite, ticket prices will go up and we'll all end up dancing like marionettes in John Fuller's puppet theatre of humiliation.

What next for The Hams?

Unless you've been living in a shoe, you'll be aware that the Hams have got off to the worst start in the history of Footballs. All you have to do is walk through the streets of Tottenham and you can feel the misery in the air.

A filthy Juande Ramos has publicly taken the full force of the angry fans after his monumental loss against Hull, who embarrassingly aren't even in the Premiership. The two teams faced each other because of a simple clerical error in the scheduling office. The match took place this weekend much to the bemusement of the away fans who believed they were attending an Arsenal match.

The Hams, who famously scored lots of goals in other seasons, put their misfortune down to unsettled weather, bickering amongst the players and the recent dismissal of their legendary tour-bus driver Keith "The Sheath" Edmonds. Morale in the camp has been low ever since he lost his job for his repeated safe-sexual assaults.

So what can they do? In the words of Jimmy Grieves "All you can do is turn up on time, keep your boots clean and try not to cry". Sage words from a man now sadly crippled with wheat intolerance.

X-Factor does Football

SYCO productions, headed up by professional meanie Simon Cowell unveiled plans for a new X-Factor style show to find Britain's next footballing stars.

In an FA deal rumored to be worth several hundred thousand pounds, the gorgeous Cowell has purchased Exeter United and changed it's name to X-Factor United. the team will be granted instant promotion to the premiership and will be made up entirely from contestants on the show.

The format for the program will be very similar to X-Factor. Budding Footballmen will audition in front of a panel of esteemed judges including John Barnes, Ben Elton  and the late Steve Cram. the audition will include a few minutes of keepy-uppy followed by a  song.

The lucky contestants will be narrowed down and sent of to Football Boot Camp where they will eventually be split into three categories.: Men, Women and the Over 40s. There will be a series of live football matches running all the way up to Christmas where it's believed the winning team will go up against the winners of X-Factor for Christmas number one.

So Footballs fans, is this the future of football or merely a money-making scam by a greedsman. I for one will sit back and let the football decide.

Money in Manchester

Wow. It's been quite a week down in Manchester. The Team has a new boss and he's got a bit of cash to spend. This week saw the world record amount payed for a footballman, when several MILLION pounds was spent on a new man.

It might seem like a lot but it small potatoes compared with his spending within the club. On his very first morning at the club he wrote out a cheque for an undisclosed figure to have the entire football ground moved 3 meters closer to his parking spot. When asked why he didn't just move the parking spot closer to the ground. He simply took an uncut diamond out of his pocket estimated to be worth over eighty thousand pounds and swallowed it.

His new practice ground for the team has caused it's fair share of controversy too. It's an exact copy of the current stadium except the foundations are built out of silver. It sits exactly next door to the existing ground and it would take a serious fan to spot the difference.

I was lucky enough to ask him a question at his recent press-conference. I asked why he'd picked Manchester United over every other team in the world. Moments later he was swallowing a diamond.

So is this exactly what the premiership needs in order to take it to the same levels as some of the Asian or Atlantic leagues or is this an example of a megalomaniac with too much money playing the Footsie instead of the FTSE. One things for sure it'll be interesting to see whose wearing ear-rings at Saturday's game.

Nick Nolte to play Ian Rush

The wait is over. IMDB reported yesterday that Nick Nolte will play Ian Rush in the controversial film about his life on and off the pitch. A drunken Nolte was spotted heckling in the audience at Saturdays game, possibly picking up a few tips.

The film which will be in French with English subtitles is rumored to be a grueling 4 hours long. Rush, who famously saved a goal in an important match, has had very little to do with the process. He told reporters "I've had very little to do with the process."

Rush's off-match antics earned him a huge amount of press attention in the late nineties. He's popularly credited for the now banned post-match tradition of "Swan-rocketing". A game that eventually landed him with a hefty fine from the RSPCA and a lifetime ban from the boating lake in Harlow, Essex.

The disgusting Rush will feature briefly in the film, playing an angry fan who attacks Nick Nolte. Many fear it'll be too close to the bone considering he punched every mirror he walked past for the vast majority of his career in an act he referred to as "grounding".

No title has been announced for the film, perhaps readers of The Footballs would care to hazard a guess.

Poor turnout at Newcastle match.

So. Grim times for Newcastle United. It was an all-time low for seating numbers down at the Kennel this Saturday. The area behind one of the two goals, affectionately know by the fans as The Labyrinth, had just nine spectators in it at one point. Many of those could well have been match officials.

 What caused this lull in numbers? Several theories are being banded about by the papers. Some blame the catering which is notoriously abysmal. Others blame the Spanish referee but many people, including myself, think it’s as a result of the recent departure of the boss Kevin Keegan.

The 8 fans resorted to chants such as “Oooooh Ooooh Show me Kevin, cover me. Leave me breathless.” It emerged on the Toonisian’s official magazine that many fans had in fact been coming to the Kennel for years simply to watch Kevin watching the mach rather than watching the match themselves. A simple raise of his eyebrows was often enough to bring the entire Labyrinth to it’s knees.

 The match itself was a shambles. A penalty was given due to a poorly judged butt challenge and despite the Goalies off-putting starjumps Lampers dribbled it home.

Three goals later and The Newts (Newcastle United) had seen enough. The referee could see they were beaten and called full time ten minutes early.

 It was a sad day for the once glorious Newts. An exhausted Alan Shaker left the ground screaming grey thunder at anything that blinked. So what’s the answer? In my humble opinion: Football.

Hot Debate - The Nutmeg

A beautiful tradition going back years, or an ugly blight on a glorious sport?

As you are all aware the Nutmeg has been all over the sporting press over the last month following Alan Sugar's financially backed proposition to create a new rule whereby kicking the ball between an opponents legs constitutes a goal. He drove fear deep into the hearts of fans of the footer when he was quoted saying "This will be a reality, I don't care how much it costs".

While he was panned by the press, I for one think it might add a new angle to the game. Taller players such as Tores and Finnegan would lose their unfair advantages and the players who are good at kicking would have something extra to aim at.

Some critics have called for an all out ban on the nutmeging in favour of the far safer South American style "Jail-Birding". Personally I think this is ludicrous.

One things for sure. It'll be interesting to see whose wearing shin-pads and who isn't at Saturday's game.

Giggs red-faced over slogan

The long running feud between team-mates Ryan Giggs and Paul Scoles has escalated to more than just dressing-room japes.

Giggs, who has always been jealous of the "Scoles Means Goals" catchphrase attempted to start his own one during a recent interview on Match Of The Day 2. He asked fans to start shouting "Giggs Means Figs" and went as far as to request that they throw figs onto the pitch every time he scores.

UEFA officials were quick to denounce this as "...fruit being thrown has the potential to incite violence". The Met office has confirmed that customs and excise dogs, trained in detecting food products will be on hand for Saturday's match and anybody caught smuggling figs into the ground will have their ticket confiscated.

Have footballman's egos reached new heights or is this exactly the sort of thing a dying game needs?

England 4 Croatia 1

First of all: WHAT A RESULT.

I can honestly say it's the first time I've enjoyed an international game in bloody ages. Man of the match. Well, how can you pick but for me it would have to be Walthcock.

Despite the amount of rain over the last month there was very little water on the pitch. A testament to the excellent greensman Roy Edwards. I imagine Roy will be returning to his tiny home tonight with a hop in his step.

So lets start from the beginning. An excellent start from the referee. A coin was tossed. It seemed an incredibly fair way to pick who kicks first. I can imagine with all that testosterone in the air, things could get pretty heated without such a system!!!!!

Before long we saw a goal. It was massive. At one point I thought it hadn't actually gone in the net but it was just the angle of the camera. After the goal, the ball was placed back on the middle ark. BANG! We were off again.

This went for two equal segments of 45 minutes. I'd imagine the bosses had some words to say to their men during the interval as they all ran back on with a spark in their boots.

So a hat-trick for the brits, but for my money Crotia shouldn't even have been allowed one. It could have been two. Luckily it wasn't

Frank Lampard scored a goal that takes me back to the glory days of The Carthorse (Les Ferdinand). It was un-allowed by Cliff Hawthorne. The referee was powerless. I don't know about you but this is just more evidence to suggest a system such as the Swiss "Eye in the sky" or the Belgians "Ear to the ground" techniques to stop foul calls.

So, could this mark a change in fortune for the Brits? If so, who is responsible? The Boss or the Fans?